The DC Landing Strip Is Not Completely Crazy!

When rooting for a shitbox team like the Orioles, and all you have is hope, it's nice to see the optimism justified by professional writers.

Today's front page of espn.com features a Jerry Crasnick article entitled "Three Bad Birds" which details the oh-so-kickass outfield trio of Adam Jones, Nick Markickass and Nolan Reimold. I'm pretty sure the title means "bad" in that backwards '70s way which really means "good", kind of like "cat" used to be used the way "dawg" is now. As in, "hey jive turkey, that O's outfield is filled with some bad cats, ya dig!" would be street slang for "Yo homeboy, the O's outfield is filled with good dawgs, woof woof motherfucker." I've never said that sentence, but I've heard the kids jiving on the streets recently and been on facebook once or twice.

An ESPN Insider article also explores "The Cavalry" of O's pitching prospects, ranking them as follows: 1. Chris Tillman, 2. Brian Matusz, 3. Jake Arrieta, 4.-6. Brad Bergesen, David Hernandez, Troy Patton. So for the low low price of not-for-free (what isn't free in the internet era?) you can read the exact same article we wrote a month or so ago. Hey ESPN, if I wanted to pay for plagiarized material, I'd buy a Harry Potter book.

If you don't have ESPN Insider, all you need to know is the money quote from the last sentence:

The best three teams in the American League all play in the East this year, but by 2011 that number might be four.

And I'm 80% sure they're not talking about the Blue Jays.

Monthly Forecast: July '09

• Manny Acta will lose his job. Yes, I will predict this until he gets fired.
• The Nats will add at least one more fail to this impressive list.
• George McPhee will trade for an affordable role player.
• John Carlson will dominate Capitals' rookie camp (July 11-18).
• Andray Blatche and Nick Young will absolutely crush the Vegas Summer League...
• ...on and off the court.
• Ted Leonsis will blog about successful business practices while not-so-subtly plugging one of his own projects.
• Matt Wieters will surpass Nolan Reimold and Brad Bergesen as the AL Rookie of the Year favorite.
• O's manager William Shatner Dave Trembley will appear in several priceline.com commercials.
• Some moron will suggest that the Redskins are capable of winning the Super Bowl.
• That moron will be a DCLS writer.

Fred Davis: A Testicle's Chance in Hipster Pants

There are few immutable truths in this world, but one that I subscribe to is that a man's junk needs room to breathe at all times. Hipsters, however, are always trying to defy convention, because man that's cool. Which is why sack hugging denim is the new dark horn-rimmed glasses in hipster world, because nothing says "I disagree with societal convention!" like crushing your own testicles. Poor little guys just don't have a chance.

Which is about where Fred Davis stands as a pass-catcher on the Redskins right now: without a chance. He's basically the third tight end after Chris Cooley and Todd Yoder, but without the blocking-first skill set normally found at such depth on an NFL roster.

If, however, Davis somehow surpasses Yoder and lands the #2 TE role behind Pro Bowler Cooley, he might see the field enough to snag, oh, say, 9.8 catches for 84.8 yards and 1 TD this season. That's the average statline for a back-up TE behind a Pro Bowler for the past 7 seasons (and pretty much Yoder's production each of the past 2).

Take a look at this chart I made which took forever. It details the statlines of back-ups to Pro Bowl TEs during that Pro Bowl TE's season, dating back to 2002 (click to enlarge):

So, assuming Cooley performs at a Pro Bowl level again in 2009, Fred Davis is likely to produce dick as a pass catcher. Basically the only productive pass catcher on the list is Martellus Bennett, the Cowboys rookie last season who was, of course, on the board when Cerrato took Davis in Round 2 last year.

The point here is that #2 tight ends in the NFL are primarily blockers. Fred Davis isn't exactly known for that, and Yoder has the role locked up. Davis is basically a homeless man's Cooley in terms of his skill set, and as long as Cooley remains healthy Davis will never even have a chance to realize his potential. And whether or not he does makes no difference to the Redskins' success: they already have the real Chris Cooley.

Fred Davis with fellow useless tight end Jason Goode. Image via USA Today.

So what's the upside of keeping the kid on the roster at all? To stash him in case Cooley goes down (he apparently shed 20 pounds this offseason)? To become the red zone threat we desperately need opposite Cooley? To train him to punt? For bargain-bin jersey options in this rough economy? At this point all he does is give the Redskins two players named Fred, which is a classic and manly American name that is on the decline and what I call my expanding beer gut. So there's that.

I want to share the optimism of some fans who expect one (or all) of Malcolm Kelly, Devin Thomas and Fred Davis to have a breakout season. Maybe there's hope for the former two but I don't see any for the latter. There's just no precedent for 2 TE offenses where both are productive pass-catchers. Poor Fred Davis is a baggy jeans nut trapped in a tight jeans world.

[Image of hipsters voluntarily stunting their sperm counts via The Eternal Headache]

Never Hire a Bouncer to Do Anything But Look Tough

I'm sure some of you have already seen this, but as mentioned in this month's ESPN The Magazine, Ovie was not allowed into a Vegas nightclub because he was wearing flip-flops. On the surface, not a big deal, as Ovie was eventually recognized and flew past that dumbass doorman like an NHL defenseman.

More importantly, this is just another example of bouncers being incredibly stupid and only knowing how to follow the rules set forth by their managers. You really think stopping an international superstar from attending a party is a good idea? By the way, he makes like $20 million/yr and likes to party. Oh, and the party was for Jeremy Roenick's T-shirt line, so it's not like this was a white-tie wedding; this was an NHL party and the biggest NHL star was stopped at the door! Meathead!

Also note that Ovie's bed has hydraulics and Crosby sleeps in a crib.

Adam Jones Named to AL All-Star Team...

as the Orioles' lone representative. Apologies to last year's rep, George Sherrill, and Nick Markickass, who I suppose will have to wait another year.

Anyway, Big Sleepy: congratulations, and we hope this honor is the first of many.

Also of note: Ryan Zimmerman named to his first all-star game.

The Nationals are 23-55.

The Nationals are 23-55.

The Nationals are 23-55.

Second Line Center: Who Ya Got?

With Sergei Fedorov and Viktor Kozlov forsaking freedom and liberty and all things American, choosing instead to return to Mother Russia's cold, iron teat (hello Magnitogorsk!) the Capitals knew they had at least two glaring holes in their offense heading into the start of free agency. George McPhee took care of one of those needs by signing Mike Knuble to play right wing on the Ovechkin-Backstrom line, but a void (potentially a much bigger one) exists at the second-line center position.

Not the guy the Caps want to see playing second-line center

You don't need look any farther than the Pittsburgh Penguins to see how critical the center position is in today's NHL; Crosby, Malkin and Staal give them, without much argument, the league's top trio of centers.

The Caps, who looked to have an embarrassment of riches at center not long ago, currently have a young Swede and not a whole lot else. Fedorov's departure coupled with Michael Nylander's perpetually-circular suckitude means that there's no proven pivot on the roster that can consistently play both ends of the ice beyond Backstrom.

So what's Bruce Boudreau to do come opening night? To our mind, there are a few options; here's a list of the candidates:

The Favorites:

Brooks Laich

George McPhee believes No. 21 can be the team's full-time second line center, citing Laich's performance there during Fedorov's multiple stints on the injured list this season. While you know Laich's going to bring a balls-out effort every night, he's not the greatest puck-handler, and his passing abilities are nondescript. Even though he's officially listed as a center, he's made his mark on the wing. Unless Laich takes a jump next season (and at 26, it's not impossible), we'd rather see him stick to the wing.

Someone Else Who Isn't Currently on the Roster:

Sly Fox McPhee has been mighty coy of late when talking about planned roster moves. But with the team already pushing the limits of the salary cap, McPhee acknowledged that any new acquisitions will need to come via the trade market. While that might be code for "if we can convince Glen Sather or Bob Gainey to take Nylander," there could be other players on the move if it brought the right return. Shaone Morrissonn isn't likely to return to the team next season, though if he accepts his qualifying offer or loses out through arbitration, the Caps could trade him to a team looking for blue-line depth between now and the start of the regular season.

The Underdogs:

Keith Aucoin:

The little guy from Hershey made a decent showing during a couple of short stints in Washington last season (6 points in 12 games), but his age (will turn 31 in November) and size (5'9'', 187) work against him. Still, he's quick, he's a vet, and McPhee has implied that he's in the team's plans for 2009-10. Still, unlikely he's got the size for the full-time gig.

The Undesirables:

The Tin Man:

He's slow, looks completely out of place on an NHL playing surface, doesn't move very well and lacks heart. Considering him for the No. 2 spot would be utterly idiotic.

Michael Nylander:

Same as above, except this guy earns $5.5 million next season.

GMGM Playing Coy?

"With Washington creeping close to this season's $56.8 million salary cap as a result of Knuble's signing, McPhee said Knuble represented the team's biggest offseason move and that the Capitals were comfortable going into the season with Brooks Laich as the second-line center instead of trading for an established pivot."
--ESPN.com

What do you take from this? The exact opposite of what it means. GMGM plays his cards real close to the chest. An acquisition would not surprise me. In fact, based on this quote, I almost expect it.

Knuble in; Brashear out
Caps sign solid and consistent (20 goals in 7 straight seasons) RW Mike Knuble, an ideal replacement for Viktor Kozlov on the top line, for 2 years at $2.8 million per.

In other news, Donald Brashear leaves for the Big Apple. So long, Donald: it's been real, but it was time to move on.

Keep updated on top free agents here.

Monthly Forecast: June '09 [Revisited]

Let's see how we did, shall we?

• The Wizards will not trade the 5th overall pick. Incorrect
  

• Ernie Grunfeld and Flip Saunders will draft a point guard. Incorrect
  

• Ernie Grunfeld, Steve Van Gundy, and Ron Jeremy will all be indistinguishable. Correct!
  

• The Redskins will NOT pursue Brandon Marshall. Correct!
  

• The Caps WILL pursue Dany Heatley. Incorrect
  

• Matt Wieters will have raised his average to above .300. Incorrect
  

• Luke Scott will cool off in classic fashion and drop below .300. Correct!
  

• Manny Acta will be unemployed. Obvious. Incorrect
  

• Stephen Strasburg will remain unsigned. Correct!
  

• Nats fans will panic. Inconclusive
  

• Mike Green will deserve to win the Norris Trophy, but won't. Correct!
  

• Ovechkin will win the Hart (MVP), Pearson (Player's MVP), and Richard (Goal Scoring), and the world will be restored to order once again. Correct!

June: 6-5-1