What Is Our LeBron Equivelant?

LeBron's a douche.

See, doesn't that feel good? Say it out loud. One, two, three, maybe even four times.

I don't know what it is about LeBron. Maybe it's because he beat the Wizards in three consecutive playoff series, or that he complains more than my little sister when it's her time of the month, or that he created his own three-step "crab dribble" which was eventually adopted by the NBA and put into its rulebook. You know, just for him.

It could be any one of those things but in all likelihood it's every one of them, combined with the self-fellating ego-maniacal spectacle that was last night's traitorous announcement to the world that "The Chosen One" would be taking his talents to South Beach.

Before he made his announcement I didn't really care what team he'd select. I was so LeBronned out after a week of LeBronning by ESPN that I just couldn't take it anymore.

But of course I watched. I mean, everyone and their infant baby watched, and I'm sure the ratings for the announcement were sky high. And when he announced he was leaving Cleveland, doing so in that fashion, on prime time national television and dragging "The Decision" out like it was a goddamn "American Idol" episode starring Jim Gray as Ryan Seacrest, it struck a cord in me.

D.C. is a depressing sports town. We've gone over its merits before. But Cleveland? They haven't won a title since the Browns brought home the bacon in 1964. That's unheard of.

And to have their hearts and souls ripped out from them by this 25 year old arrogant prick wearing a picnic table button down shirt because he wanted to go play with his buddies in Miami - which effectively ruined his legacy - was just too much to take.

It got me thinking: what would be our equivalent to what LeBron did to Cleveland fans last night? Nothing really compares, but I have some ideas.

• John Wall demands a trade before the season starts, holding the Wizards hostage and refusing to show up to practices. Contract be damned! The kicker: he's demanding to be traded to Miami.
• The year is 2016. Stephen Strasburg has won two straight MVP's and is easily the best pitcher in the land. He spends his free agent summer being courted by every team out there, but anyone who knows anything can tell you that there are really on three options: staying with the Nationals, signing with the Yankees, signing with the Red Sox. Knowing full well the Lerners aren't stupid enough to fork over the kind of dough that Boston and New York are glad to (ballpark estimate ~ 10 years $790 million), he could put Nats fans out of their misery early by making his priorities clear. Instead, he inspires hope, says it's not about the money, only to bail at the last second in a nationally televised one-hour special devoted to him for a star-studded team that can carry him to the promise land. What a nightmare.
• Alex Ovechkin demands a trade, but only two teams make his list: the Flyers and the Penguins. And he does so immediately after we win a Stanley Cup, and then leads the team he's traded to to five consecutive Stanley Cups.
• Daniel Snyder murders a small child for complaining about the price of hot dogs at Fedex Field and gets away with it by framing John Riggins, who spends the rest of his life in prison paying for a crime he didn't commit. Are you still with me, or did I take it too far?
• Joe Gibbs comes out of retirement to sign a life-time contract with the Dallas Cowboys. If you didn't think it could get worse, it does. After winning several championships with the Cowboys, he withdraws from the Hall of Fame completely, only to get nominated a few years later as coach of the Dallas Cowboys. He is elected first ballot, and they erect a shrine of Joe Gibbs in all his Cowboys glory.

Ever been kicked really hard in the nuts? That's what those bizarre hypothetical scenarios feel like. I can't even imagine how Clevelanders feel this morning. I'm assuming 90% of the workforce called in sick. Or just angry.