Worst Oriole Jerseys Ever

Welcome to the 2nd part in this painful series of worst jerseys for all of our beloved professional DC-area teams. This Oriole list was surprisingly more difficult than the Redskin one; we had far more worthy candidates for our bottom-10 thanks to almost 25 years of misery. I kind of felt like I was on the therapist's couch here, unearthing repressed memories. I learned a lot about myself through this journey.

Again, the criteria for our list is a jersey that would make fellow fans either:

• Angry
• Disgusted
• Think the guy wearing the jersey is an idiot
  

As before, please note that any jerseys that are funny bad are not included. Our bottom 10 is listed in reverse order (least terrible to most terrible):

10) Armando Benitez #49 - The exact opposite of clutch. He came in during critical playoff games and gave up homers to pipsqueaks like Marquis Grissom and Tony Hernandez. He also gave up the Jeffrey Maier "homer" and cared more about his pitch speed than, you know, getting batters out. He'd be higher on the list if not for his impressive beat-down of some punk-ass Yankees fools in May 1998. I really hated this guy.

9) Ben McDonald #19 - He was supposed to be the next Nolan Ryan. Instead, he was the first Mark Prior. Amnesia is the only excuse for owning this jersey.

8) David Segui #23 - Beefed up on ol' Vitamin S then stole a huge contract at the end of his career from the O's. I used to call him "Popcorn Man" when I was a kid because he looked like a classmate of mine who always smelled like popcorn. That's irrelevant information, but the point is: screw that smelly kid.

7) Adam Loewen #29 - A monumental pitching bust. The lanky canuck finally gave up pitching and in a gentlemen's agreement with the O's, opted out of his Major League contract to sign a minor league one and learn to hit. After milking O's instructional league coaches for hitting tips, he reneged on his word and fled to the Blue Jays. So in sum, he robbed the O's of $4 million, never panned out, then stabbed them in the back. Good times.

6) Curt Schilling #43 - Mike Mussina, Jimmy Key, Scott Erickson, David Wells, and Schilling rounded out the rotation of the 1997 World Series Champion Baltimore Orioles, who went wire-to-wire first place before crushing the Marlins in 4 games in the Series. What a year! Except it didn't happen, because O's brass thought it prudent to mortgage the future (Steve Finley and Pete Harnisch were also shipped away) in 1990 for 3 abysmal seasons from...

5) Glenn Davis #37 - The "worst Oriole ever", this shmuck was supposed to be the power bat to get the Birds over the hump, and instead all he did was hump the trainer's table in between his infrequent and feeble at-bats. 24 HRs in 3 years before finally retiring...pretty sure Jeff Reboulet accomplished that in the late-'90s.

4) Sammy Sosa #21 - Buying this jersey was like voting for Bush in '04: if you didn't see the epic failure coming, you were a moron. The steroids were clearly wearing off at the end of his Cubs tenure, and he became another in a long line of over-the-hill veterans Angelos tried to plug in to milk a few more jersey sales wins from a broken roster. A line that started with:

3) Albert Belle #88 - Ended up as the worst contract in franchise history and one of the worst in MLB history. In addition to being an asshole, he barely played and succeeded in using a ton of our salary space for his giant ego/contract when a hip injury ended his career.

2) Tony Tarasco #1 - This is nothing against Tony, but this jersey can only bring the most painful memory in Oriole history, of that little anti-christ Jeffrey Maier stealing the ball over the wall to gift Jeter a HR and all but end the Orioles best chance at a championship since 1983.

1) Derek Jeter #2 - What is this all about? FTW:

Worst Orioles Jersey Ever. Please revoke this man's fan card. via Mr. Irrelevant.

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Dishonorable Mention:

Larry Bigbie #3 - Did anyone get on this bandwagon? I hope not and this serves as a reminder of the years when a mediocore prospect was the best we had on an already bad team. Also: Mitchell Report.

Jay Gibbons #31 - Would have made the bottom-10, but I just feel bad for the guy now.

Miguel Tejada #10 - Yeah, he did steroids and lied about his age, but gave us some great service.

Sir Sidney Ponson #43 - The same as Tejada, but a more unlikeable guy. He performed at or above expectations while he was here and then proceeded to pain the Yankees as a member of their team, which barely kept him out of the bottom-10.

Brady Anderson #9 - Steroids and the self-promotion that led to gay rumors. I would liken the Brady Anderson era to the dutch rudder, it was fun (and not gay), but there was something very wrong about it.

Rodrigo Lopez #13 - Another great example of false hope. After bursting onto the scene in 2002 with 15 wins and finishing 2nd in the ROY voting to Eric Hinske (probably not a good sign in retrospect), saw his peripherals and performance decline and had a generally mediocore Oriole career. And now, he has a world series ring.....for Philly. Not to be confused with a Super Bowl ring.

Kris Benson #34 - When a rebuilding team trades a young starter (John Maine) for a mediocre, injury-prone 30-year-old, he had better have more than a smokin' hot wife. Unfortunately, that's about all Kris brought to the table.

Jeffrey Hammonds #11 - A fine career, but nothing close to the hope he instilled in Oriole fans as our savior.

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So what do you think? Anyone we missed or who doesn't belong? Will the boiling water I'm about to pour down my throat hurt more than this list?

Steroids Accuser Out on Bond

Currently residing in second most obvious place: mom's basement. Soon to be in most obvious place: prison.

Caps Doping Investigation

Momma Plotty once said people living in glass houses should not throw stones. She followed that up by cautioning me against trusting people who are facing 21 criminal charges, including possession and importation of illegal anabolic steroids, possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony, and maintaining a residence to sell drugs. In light of said criminal investigation, it appears Momma Plotty's nuggets of wisdom may have some traction:

"NHL investigators have been unable to make a connection between Thomas and the Caps."

The bullshit factor in this case is through the roof, but let us recap. Richard Thomas and his heinous wife are arrested in their home with $200,000 worth of anabolic steroids, among other paraphernalia. The cops require three sets of cuffs to subdue this guy, so clearly he is either a fucking animal, off his goddamn rocker, or some combination of the two. The standard operating procedure in any arrest that involves three separate sets of handcuffs immediately should set off alarm bells that the arrestee probably isn't too thrilled about the prospects of jail time, yet the Lakewood Police Chief Donald Judd apparently finds the words of a just-arrested heat-packing meathead to be worthy of the public record. Seriously, take a fucking look at this nutjob, it's 11 pm, do you trust your National Hockey League franchise with this guy? Major League Baseball has fucked itself so royally with steroids I can't completely exculpate the Nationals. But the Capitals? On a team that had only five players log more than 100 hits this season? And passed five rounds of drug testing over the last two years without incident? As flimsy as the accusation appears on the surface, the incident itself and Commish Gary Bettman's recent public comments make me slightly uneasy. If they've passed drug tests (which they have) but the NHL establishes some connection to Thomas and the Caps (which they have not), expect the league to levy a massive fine on the Capitals organization and institute much tougher league-wide testing policies. This publicity would be devastating for the NHL, which needs the news that players are passing league-instituted drug tests and juicing like I need a groin punch. But for all intents and purposes, lock this guy up and let's put to rest this ridiculous story.

Jay Gibbons ACTUALLY Has a Baseball Job?!?!

Look I realize the economy is in the shitter right now and Americans are making tough choices to put food on the table. The city formerly known as Detroit seems to have revitalized itself as Dresden circa 1933, Midwestern auto-industry laborers are tanking like OSU football come January, and I know like one college grad who has a steady job, and he's a dog walker. But apparently somewhere, a minor league general manager is turning back the clocks to a time when the Dow was climbing above 14,000 and it was socially acceptable to wear Von Dutch in public, and STILL TO THIS DAY has the audacity to employ a one Jay Gibbons. Don't remember Jay Gibbons? He's a former Oriole outfielder who was conceived on the set of the 80's arm-wrestling/homoerotic love-fest Over The Top, when Sly Stallone happened to run into Carrot Top dick-first during the shoot. The kid couldn't field worth shit, and if you don't believe me check that wikipedia picture, dollars to donuts he misses this grab, way to close your eyes ass-clown. Throughout his entire career Gibbons was touted as a 'slugger'...except for the fact that douchebag couldn't hit dingers. He had a carrer-high 28 HRs in '03, which I suppose is exceptional if your name is Julio Lugo but not for someone named in the Mitchell report. Saying Jay Gibbons 'roided is like saying Jack Lalanne works out.

Indisputable.

In today's Wall Street Journal an article titled "Where People Still Cheer for Armando Benitez" (that's a double-whammy of goonery, referencing former Birds Benitez AND Gibbons in the country's most respected paper), the following text was actually written by an author, passed approvingly through editors, and delivered to millions of unsuspecting hard-working Americans:

"Fantasy league washouts like Jay Gibbons and Shawn Chacon round out the roster. The Bears are drawing nearly 2,000 fans a game on average -and according to the team, a fair number of scouts. Perhaps the road to baseball salvation begins in Newark?"

2,000 fans, eh? Things must be REALLY bad in Newark for 2,000 people to pay to see Gibbons on ANY squad. I don't care if the outfield consists of Mickey Mantle, DiMaggio, and Gibbons. Under NO circumstance should it be permitted for Gibbons to be within 200 feet of a baseball diamond, not baseball, not softball, not cricket, not stick-ball played by Puerto Rican youngsters in the Bronx. Yes, yes, a moronic blog post won't convince baseball's version of Ricky Bobby to give up the dream, and unfortunately many fans will encounter Gibbons when their hometown team hosts the Bears. My favorite independent Atlantic league team, ummmm, the Atlantic City Surf, actually has a fledgling rivalry with the Bears. Few things in life will give me greater satisfaction than heckling Gibbons until I am forcibly removed not only from the Sandcastle, but from the city-limits of Atlantic City due to excessive vulgarity.

WhatwhatWHAAAA!?!?! Florida Meathead Links Caps, Nats to 'Roids

Late last night, Tampa police busted above d-bag steroids distributor/user named Richard Thomas and his complicit wife, Sandra, seizing nearly a quarter-million worth of juice. While the Thomases were getting their faces kicked in by some bad-ass SWAT team dudes, Richard managed to blurt out something about selling 'roids to the Capitals and Nationals, clearly the two biggest threats to his beloved Tampa Bay Lightning and Rays. You bitter sonofabitch. If the Nats are on 'roids, they're obviously doing it wrong. And if the Caps are on 'roids, how do you explain the twig that is Sasha Semin?

I don't really know what to make of this yet. Thomas also reportedly said during the arrest: "You name the sport, and I've sold steroids to athletes who play it." Some cop blurted out "curling," and then another blurted out "darts," and then the most bad-ass cop in the bunch pistol-whipped the little steroids guy unconscious before he could verify. So sadly, we'll have to wait to learn whether these two studly dart champs are guilty. Though based on their build, I'm going with definitely. Expect 24/7 ESPN coverage on this.