Thursday, May 28, 2009

Jay Gibbons ACTUALLY Has a Baseball Job?!?!

Look I realize the economy is in the shitter right now and Americans are making tough choices to put food on the table. The city formerly known as Detroit seems to have revitalized itself as Dresden circa 1933, Midwestern auto-industry laborers are tanking like OSU football come January, and I know like one college grad who has a steady job, and he's a dog walker. But apparently somewhere, a minor league general manager is turning back the clocks to a time when the Dow was climbing above 14,000 and it was socially acceptable to wear Von Dutch in public, and STILL TO THIS DAY has the audacity to employ a one Jay Gibbons. Don't remember Jay Gibbons? He's a former Oriole outfielder who was conceived on the set of the 80's arm-wrestling/homoerotic love-fest Over The Top, when Sly Stallone happened to run into Carrot Top dick-first during the shoot. The kid couldn't field worth shit, and if you don't believe me check that wikipedia picture, dollars to donuts he misses this grab, way to close your eyes ass-clown. Throughout his entire career Gibbons was touted as a 'slugger'...except for the fact that douchebag couldn't hit dingers. He had a carrer-high 28 HRs in '03, which I suppose is exceptional if your name is Julio Lugo but not for someone named in the Mitchell report. Saying Jay Gibbons 'roided is like saying Jack Lalanne works out.


In today's Wall Street Journal an article titled "Where People Still Cheer for Armando Benitez" (that's a double-whammy of goonery, referencing former Birds Benitez AND Gibbons in the country's most respected paper), the following text was actually written by an author, passed approvingly through editors, and delivered to millions of unsuspecting hard-working Americans:

"Fantasy league washouts like Jay Gibbons and Shawn Chacon round out the roster. The Bears are drawing nearly 2,000 fans a game on average -and according to the team, a fair number of scouts. Perhaps the road to baseball salvation begins in Newark?"

2,000 fans, eh? Things must be REALLY bad in Newark for 2,000 people to pay to see Gibbons on ANY squad. I don't care if the outfield consists of Mickey Mantle, DiMaggio, and Gibbons. Under NO circumstance should it be permitted for Gibbons to be within 200 feet of a baseball diamond, not baseball, not softball, not cricket, not stick-ball played by Puerto Rican youngsters in the Bronx. Yes, yes, a moronic blog post won't convince baseball's version of Ricky Bobby to give up the dream, and unfortunately many fans will encounter Gibbons when their hometown team hosts the Bears. My favorite independent Atlantic league team, ummmm, the Atlantic City Surf, actually has a fledgling rivalry with the Bears. Few things in life will give me greater satisfaction than heckling Gibbons until I am forcibly removed not only from the Sandcastle, but from the city-limits of Atlantic City due to excessive vulgarity.


  1. Hahaaha this is fantastic. Jay Gibbons is a disgrace to all redhead athletes. Ethan Albright and Brian Scalabrine do not approve.

  2. He is the only player on the Os I ever heckled. Some would call me a bad fan...but for fuck's sake its Jay Gibbons. His mother was a horse.

  3. I heckled Brady Anderson for refusing to come out. That make's me a good American.


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