Thursday, April 29, 2010

Comment Turned Post: Chins Up, Caps Fans

This comment was made by Ryan[still]heartseverythingCaps in the Game 7 Post, Look Who Just Shit the Bed. Wiser words have never been featured on this blog.

I chose not to attend last night because the Caps had lost both of the other home games I went to. At the end of the second period I decided to, rather than watch the remainder of the game, listen to Kolbe's play-by-play as I drove laps around the beltway (which is what I do when I am experiencing HIGH levels of emotional distress after rush hour). As the final seconds ticked away and finally the horn sounded there was never a more serious thought in my head -I was going to commit fiery vehicular suicide. Fantasies of destruction and scenes from Michael Bay movies ran like escaped convicts through my conscience...

And then I came to my exit and drove home. And wrote Ted an email to tell him I love him...

Because I realized that there is no way, as shitty as I felt, there is no way my demoralization reached half of that felt by our players, coaches, and the man himself. Through this beautiful disaster we must all endure.

The Best DC Sports Nicknames

With Trent "Silverback" Williams joining the Skins and generating a lot of buzz about his nickname, I thought it was high time to rank the top nicknames amongst all DC sports figures. This list is completely arbitrary, but I think the key factors of a good nickname are:

-Widespread usage

Please note that I do not think deservedness of the nickname should be taken into account, and that each nickname is considered on its own, so one player could have more than one nickname on the list.

10) Smokin' (Al Koken): I say sportscasters count, and this is a classic. My favorite thing about it is that he now just says 'Smokin' Al', without the part that rhymes. That's when you know you've made it....

9) Silverback (Trent Williams): Solid, likeable, and will likely be widespread very soon. A black man choosing a nickname related to a gorilla though could lead to some awkward situations, so I can't put this one any higher. That and he hasn't played an NFL snap yet.

8) Young Sushi (Nick Young): Not widespread, but original and funny. You also don't know me very well if you didn't think I would promote the nickname we first publicized.

7) Jizz (Alexander Semin): Umm, hysterical? For an extensive list of Caps nicknames, visit Japers Rink.

6) Agent Zero/Six Shooter (Gilbert Arenas): Agent Zero is one of the most widespread real nicknames (not fake ones like KG or D-Wade) and is original. However, he has changed to #6 for this season so the nickname may fade from prominence. I think Six Shooter has a lot of potential though.

5) The Predator (Chris Horton): Badass, but undeserved, although maybe he can 're-earn' the nickname when he inevitably plays his trade in the CFL.

4) Mr. Nasty (Jeff Schultz): Great, but not entirely original (remember the Nasty Boys with the Cincinnati Reds?).

3) Game Over (Mike Green): This one is undeserved, but is original and badass. Although this will continue to make me angry until next April.

2) Captain Chaos (Chris Cooley): I actually met Cooley after a game and asked about the nickname and he said he hates it, which is probably why it lost some of its popularity.

1) The Russian Machine (Alexander Ovechkin): Perfect, just perfect.

Honorable Mention:
  • Baseball Jesus (Matt Wieters): Not widespread and Jesus would probably slug over .400.
  • The Professor (Matt Bradley): Cool, but not quite as good as those of some of his teammates.
  • Wookie/Chewy (Stephon Heyer): Courtesy of his Redskin teammates.
  • Real American Hero (John Carlson): This one is great, but too long and not widespread.
  • Pudge (Ivan Rodriguez): A classic nickname, but Pudge does not feel like a true DC athlete given that he will likely only be here 1 year.
  • Hibachi (Gilbert Arenas): This would have made the list a year ago.......
  • Mean Lars (Nicklas Backstrom): Solid nickname, but not as cool or exciting as others.
  • Magnum Z.I. (Ryan Zimmerman): Interesting, but not widely used. "Pete Franchise" is another one of his, but he needs something better.
  • Coach Kevlar (Mike Shanahan): Coach nicknames aren't exciting.
  • The Undertaker (George McPhee): GM nicknames are even less exciting.
  • Double-Move (Carlos Rogers): I kid, I kid.
The list suffers from the recent losses of Tuff Juice (Caron Butler) and Cybertawn (Antawn Jamison), but is still pretty awesome. The Skins have a lot of untapped potential, but the Caps are picking up the slack. Let me know your thoughts, is anyone missing from the list?

(Image courtesy of

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Look Who Just Choked

Late Wednesday evening,'s Gene Wang posited this:

I'm sure whether this was the worst loss in franchise history will be debated for many days to come.
Allow me to settle this brain-buster of a debate right now: this is by far the worst loss in Caps history, one of the worst losses in DC sports history, and right up there with one of the biggest choke jobs in sports history ever. No NHL #1 seed had ever lost a series to a #8 seed after leading 3-1. Until tonight.

True, this is just par for the course for the Caps. That's 7 series in the last 26 years the Caps have lost after being up by two games. But this Caps team was supposed to be different. No Caps team has ever had a legitimate Stanley Cup shot. These Caps not only had a legitimate shot - they were historically dominant during the regular season. They have the league's best second best player. The Habs are mediocre at best, which they were this series. This should've been a cakewalk.

Debated, Gene? There is no debate. Case closed.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Video: Caps vs. Canadiens, Simplified

You could spin this any number of ways, but here's a sad but true short story I concocted via Youtube Search Stories.

Will it get any better? It better get better, or it's gonna be an insufferably long summer.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Meet A Redskin: DT Marques Slocum, Internet Legend

Define yourself in 3 words...
"im da shit" -Marques Slocum, 2007

Skins fans are going to immediately fall in love with this guy.

Who da fuck is Harry Potter?!

Marques Slocum was signed as an undrafted free agent by the Redskins this weekend. He's listed at 6'5", 336 pounds, and played most recently for Eastern Arizona after a stint in Michigan.

Ahhh, those days in Michigan. You see, Joe Casualfan, you don't really know Marques Slocum. And that's a crying shame, if you ask me.

In 2007, Slocum decided it would be fun to take a quiz on facebook and publish it for all his friends to see. Sadly, I must admit that I am not Marcus Slocum's friend. But thank the lord someone is.

Head over to Every Day Should Be Saturday for the one of the more honest and ridiculous athlete Q&A sessions of all time. The entire transcript is far too long to post here, so I'll include some highlights below. My top 15, ranked for hilarity, in descending order:

15. Do you read harry potter books?

who da fuck is dat!

14. Favorite body part?

my whole fuckin body

13. Your favorite Disney Films?

fuck disney

12. How do you feel?

i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person... lol....not really dont be dat person

11. What size shoe do you wear?

a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here

10. When do you plan on getting married?

it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life

9. Kill the spider or let it out?

man! fuck dat spider

8. Favorite element?

i would have 2 go with.............. water

7. What do you do on fridays?

whatever da fuck i feel like doin

6. Do you eat cold cereal at night?

what da fuck is cold cereal

5. Where is Waldo?

i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money

4. Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?

shit ima be askin him 4 sum change

3. Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?

i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me

2. Who do you admire most?

My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive

1. Where do you want to travel next?

da future


I can only hope the future involves Marques Slocum in a Redskins uniform come September. Please make the team. Seriously, I'm begging you.

Redskins Draft Recap

The options: Trent Williams (OL), Russell Okung (OT), Eric Berry (S), Jimmy Claussen (QB)
Drafted: Trent Williams #4. Berry went #5 to the Chiefs, Okung #6 to the Seahawks, and Claussen #48 to the Panthers.

The trend-starting hug

It appears that the Skins didn't want to invest heavily in a QB who wasn't Sam Bradford. Given the slides of Claussen and Colt McCoy, we could have easily traded up for 1 of them. I think the Eric Berry interest was a smokescreen to try to entice someone to trade for our pick. There were a few O-linemen who graded out as similar, so no team was likely to trade up for Okung, Bulaga, or Williams. Berry, however, was the unique player in that spot who some team may have loved so much that they'd make the rare top-10 draft pick trade.

I think a team should almost always take the best player available because football is the ultimate team sport, and I think Eric Berry is Ed Reed with speed. Leaving metrics aside, the best safeties in the NFL have had extremely productive college careers and fell to the later portion of the first round due to a perceived lack of athleticism and safety not being a premium position. This group includes Ed Reed, Troy Polamalu, Bob Sanders, and Brandon Meriweather, which is a list of some, if not all, of the best safeties in the league. Eric Berry was extremely decorated and productive at Tennessee, but also has incredible measurable athleticism and was tutored by an NFL defensive guru. I have trouble seeing him fail, and I have trouble seeing him not become a perennial all-pro. That said, there is always uncertainty about whether a player will succeed, OT is such an incredible need for the Skins, and Williams not a reach, so I have no problem with the pick.

My other notes:
  • I'm glad we took the 1st OT, just because it proves that we got our #1 rated OT.
  • 'Silverback' sounds awesome, but for a black man to promote his nickname as a type of monkey is probably not the best idea. I think this would be like a white guy nicknaming himself 'saltine'.
  • The hug Williams gave Goodell started a trend, which was cool and then immediately weird when everyone else started hugging the commish too. I like that our guy started the hug.
  • Gerald McCoy crying as he was getting announced as the 3rd pick is an example of why drafts can be so awesome. Just a reminder that this is the culmination of a lot of blood, sweat, and tears for these guys.
  • Wrist game! I rewound my tivo to examine Gerald McCoy's watch (and bracelet) at least 3 times, but was not privy to these other fine images of the new rich's wristwear. When I grow up, I want to be an NFL first round pick. Here is our man Trent Williams' choice of accessories:   If athleticism fails, Trent can always try to literally blind his opponents with wrist game

  • Jimmy Claussen sliding sounds like it might not have happened if Vinny Cerrato was calling the shots. He still is on the payroll at Redskins Park, but thankfully wasn't in the war room.
  • Let's not give the Skins adding extra picks and finishing with 6 draftees. 3 of those guys are 7th rounders and unlikely to make the team this year or ever play a down in the NFL.
  • The Skins, however, should not be criticized for only having 4 picks entering the draft, as Jeremy Jarmon is part of this draft class. Adam Carriker should also be considered part of our haul. Mr. I has a nice article with our real 'draft class'.
  • I would much rather have Colt McCoy, Jason Campbell, and a 4th round pick next year than Donovan McNabb.
  • I would much rather have a 4th rounder for Jason Campbell than nothing at all!
  • I think the Bucs, Texans, Jets, and Ravens had the best drafts.
  • I really like the 3 day format, much easier for those of us who want to watch all 7 rounds.
  • I have too much free time.

(Images courtesy of and Gerald McCoy's twitter account)

Redskins Trade Jason Campbell for...Nothing at All?

Since we all saw it coming, it wasn't so hard to deal with the news that the Jason Campbell era officially closed today. Sports are funny like that. You pour your heart and soul into fiery debates about the merits of a player, to the point where you become emotionally attached. Or so you think. Because then the day comes that he is traded, and all you care about is: "what did we get in return?"

Apparently, a 4th-round pick in 2012. That is, according to the Washington Post, CSN, Fanhouse, Yahoo!, and the rest of the modest handful of news sources covering the NFL draft.

Except for ESPN's John Clayton who slipped this interesting tidbit into his "Winners and Losers" post-NFL draft column:

Al Davis got it right this year. He added to a solid draft by picking up Campbell for a conditional fourth-round pick, whose conditions appear to be unachievable. For the Redskins to get that fourth-round pick, the Raiders would either have to make the playoffs or Campbell would have to go to the Pro Bowl.
That last sentence really jumps out of the page, doesn't it? I hope Campbell succeeds, but that's just not happening in Washington West. If this is true, the Redskins have forfeited a 2nd and 3rd/4th round pick and an average at worst starting QB for 28 more passing yards per game if we're lucky. Was the market for veteran starting quarterbacks so bad that this was the best the Redskins could do? And isn't a guaranteed 5th/6th/7th-rounder better than a never-gonna-happen 4th?

If this turns out to be true I think Shanahan and Allen were asleep at the wheel on this one. A nonchalant attitude towards draft picks got us into this mess in the first place. Between this and the questionable merits of their other big decisions (alienating the team's best defensive player, signing running backs without legs, overpaying for McNabb) it's not unreasonable to feel nervous. I hope I'm wrong.