Welcome to the Squad, Scottie

Put yourself in the shoes of a Boston Bruins fan for a moment, if you will. Quickly get over your disgusting beer gut, bald head and poor hygiene and imagine it is May 10, 2009, Game 5 of the East Semifinals against the Carolina Hurricanes. You're up 4-0 and sitting pretty. Out of nowhere, some little fourth-line weasel sucker punches one of your top 4 blueliners. WHAT A ####### &*%#)*&@ BASTARD!! you think. HE'LL DEFINITELY BE SUSPENDED.



It will only get worse my bizarrely accented friend. Because the arbitrary wheel of NHL justice decided to kick your Nomaaah-lovin' butts where it hurts: no suspension. Now cut to overtime of game 7 when that same said weasel decides to score his first ever playoff goal and end your magical season forever and ever:



Ladies and gentlemen of Boston, Scott Walker just owned you. Ok, now you can be a Caps fan again.

On thursday night Mr. Walker, a.k.a. Wild Thing, just welcomed himself to D.C. with total awesomeness. In his first game in the red, white and blue, Walker notched two late third period goals, both of which were grind-em-out backhanded rebounds, one of which served as the game-winner against a hungry Tampa Bay team that had just clawed its way back into the game.

These are exactly the types of goals the Scott Walkers of the world are paid to score. The ones that happen when you need them most, when you least expect them, and by the guy the other team wants to squash like a bug. He is precisely the type of fourth-line spark plug who kicks butt in the playoffs. Eric Belanger, Joe Corvo and Milan Jurcina are technically better players, but Scott Walker might prove to be the most valuable trade deadline addition. Between he and Matt Bradley other teams will have their hands full with the feisty clutch grinder department.

There are certain hockey players who make you think "I hate that guy...but I'd love to have him on my team." Scott Walker is one of those guys. Welcome aboard, Scottie.

[Image via Getty/ESPN]

Caps Schedule Down the Stretch

With all five Olympians headed home empty-handed and the season's "second half" less than a week away, now's as good a time as ever to focus all our energy on the one thing that could save this city: Washington Capitals hockey.

The Caps schedule down the stretch is extremely favorable. Some numbers for you:

• Only 8 of their remaining 20 games will be played against current playoff teams: @BUF, @CHI, PIT, CGY, OTT, BOS, @PIT, BOS.
• 12 games will be played at the Verizon Center (23-3-3).
• 8 games will be played on the road (18-10-5).
• The combined record of the Caps opponents is 573-480-170, a win percentage of .538. For comparison's sake, the current easiest strength of schedule is .547. Who holds this distinction? None other than the Caps, clearly victims of never having to play themselves.

Assuming the Southeast Division is wrapped up in only a few weeks (the magic number is currently 15 points and will only decrease once play resumes), the Caps will look to clinch home ice throughout the entire playoffs. The final 20-game schedule is very, very exploitable.

I guess three questions remain before we begin the final trek; these will hopefully be addressed later in the week:

1) How will a monumental Olympic collapse affect Alex Ovechkin's game down the stretch?

2) Will the goaltender "situation" sort itself out any time soon?

3) What the HELL is George McPhee gonna do come March 3, trade deadline time???

Caps Trade Poll Results

Apparently most of our readers think the Caps are good enough to win the cup as is.

78 of 135 voters (57%) do not want GMGM to make a move before the March 3 trade deadline, which is fast approaching considering the February 12 - February 28 Olympic trade freeze.

While I agree that this team is good enough to win it all, I'd still much rather have the insurance of another big body on the blue line. Something tells me GMGM, after witnessing the team give up 4+ goals with unacceptable defensive efforts in three of the last four games, might be down for some tweaking.

Washington, DC: The Decade's Biggest Loser...Can the Caps Save Us?

About a year ago, our friends at MisterIrrelevant determined that D.C. was, in fact, America's worst professional sports city. The data was pulled mostly from the 2008 calender year but included the beginning portions of the 2007-2008 NHL and NBA seasons.

In a similar fashion, I evaluated America's four-sport cities over the past decade. I began this task with the awareness that my greatest fear - ten years of utterly hopeless fanaticism - might be confirmed. Yet, that feeling didn't overwhelm my curiosity enough to withdraw from the exercise. So on I went.

The results weren't depressing; they were demoralizing.

Notes to consider before reading on:

• Only the Washington/Montreal baseball franchise was included. Sorry, O's fans.
• There were nine NHL seasons this decade due to the 2004-2005 strike.
• For cities in which two teams exist within one sport (e.g. baseball in Chicago), performance was averaged for each particular year.
• The team with the best year among the 12 cities received a scored of 1. The team with the worst year among the 12 cities received a score of 12.
• Success was determined by playoff success first. Regular season records were used as tie-breakers.
• Rankings are only relative to the 12 cities being evaluated.
  

[Click tables to enlarge]

Overall

For those of you more graphically gifted, the image on the right should provide some insight. For those who aren't, I'll explain. That light blue area? That abnormally large protuberance from the wonderfully average red area? That represents the amount that D.C. sports have sucked over the last 10 years. Notice how it's hilariously close to being about 150% as large as the average, meaning our ineptitude has deemed us about half as bad as average this decade. My head is spinning, but not from the math.

And here's the breakdown by sport (analysis following):


Basketball 

  


Breakdown by Year

Hockey

Breakdown by Year

Football

Breakdown by Year

 








Baseball

Breakdown by Year

***

There it is. So next time you're at the water cooler chatting with that choch from Philly who frosts his tips and wears sunglasses at night, your biggest validation as a D.C. sports fan will be that you've rooted for only the 5th worst hockey team out of the 12 major sports cities over the last decade. Gross.

The implications of this are simple: this year's Capitals team is our only hope to salvage what little dignity we have left as D.C. sports fans this decade. With the Wizards middling well below mediocrity, the Redskins in more disarray than a bag of cockroaches, and the Nationals at least two years away from fielding a major league baseball team, more and more of the town's focus will be centered around the Caps' performance this year. And with that focus comes pressure.

General Manager George McPhee made a relatively large splash yesterday in trading Captain Cadaver and Juice for a speedy winger and $2 million in cap space. With the extra wiggle room, an even bigger move could be in the works.

Which may be exactly what this Caps team needs to reach the pinnacle of the sport; which might be this city's one saving grace in a decade beyond the realm of disappointment.

Is Ted Leonsis The Wizards' Savior?

With Abe Pollin's passing comes a new era in DC basketball, but I'm not so sure the new era will be much different from the past.

Pollin owned both the Wiz/Bullets and Capitals for almost 40 years each, before selling the controlling interest in the Caps and a significant stake in the Wiz/Bullets to Ted Leonsis in 1999. The idea was that Leonsis would run the Caps, and eventually take over the Wiz, which is proven by him having a first option to buy the team after Pollin's tenure. After Pollin's death, Leonsis said,"That agreement established an orderly process for conducting that transaction and it is our intention to follow that process..."

So it is pretty safe to say that Uncle Ted is about to take over the Wiz, but what does this mean for the team? Most people I have spoken with think that because the Caps have become a model franchise under Ted's guidance, that the Wizards are bound for better days. The logical leap seems easy, but I don't think that all the Caps' success can be credited to Ted.

(Oops, that's the Dakota Wizards)

As I've written before, Uncle Ted is beloved mostly because the Caps are winning and partly because he connects with 'the people' through his blog. If the Caps were a middling team, would we still love Ted? I say no, but the important question here is whether Ted has an ability to build a winner in any sport, not just hockey.

My first question is how good would the Caps be without Ovie? If the draft lottery had not gone our way, and we ended up with Cam Barker or Andrew Ladd instead of Ovie, then where would the Caps be? This team is very good without Ovie, but not a title contender. One could make the case that the extra money and higher draft picks could/would be used to partly replace Ovie's production, but there is no way around the fact that Ted partly lucked into the best hockey player in the world.

Even if you look beyond Ovie, it is hard to say that Ted has single-handedly made the Caps so great. Sure he made the great hire of George McPhee, but it is McPhee and not Leonsis running the player personnel, and maybe Ted just got a little lucky with that hire. Ted has also been reasonable with contracts, but that is easy to do when you have a successful team anchored by the best player in the world.

The one characteristic of Ted that should translate to the NBA is that he was/is willing to lose money and go through bad times (rebuild) to build a winner. There are surprisingly few owners willing to take this risk despite their wealth, and this strategy is always the way to go when a team needs an overhaul; the Caps are a great example in the NHL, and the Tampa Bay Rays are the best example in baseball. The NBA, however, is different. Basketball teams and games can be dominated by 1 player, and the dominant teams always include one of the top-5 players in the league. The recent exceptions have been the Pistons and Celtics, but look at the Jordan-Bulls, D-Wade-Heat, Kobe-Lakers, Duncan-Spurs, and you get the idea. In the NFL, NHL, and MLB, the best teams have talent in depth, but in the NBA, it is less about depth and more about your top player (this is also why I thought Brandon Jennings was a great pick, thank you very much). Imagine how different the NBA landscape would be if the Wizards hadn't had the 1st pick in Kwame Brown's year, and instead had Duncan, Shaq, or Lebron? What I am trying to say is that Ted's patience may not be enough in the NBA if the lottery doesn't go our way. Patience and rebuilding is good, but you need more luck in the NBA than in other leagues. Even if Uncle Ted has a great ability to select the best GMs, he is still playing shorthanded without a dominant superstar, which the Wiz currently lack.

Given the Wiz recent struggles (season outlook post coming soon, I swear), and likely disappointing season, this seems another great opportunity for Ted to rebuild. Thanks to the contract of Agent-0, the Wiz are in a situation where a full rebuild can't commence for at least 1 more season, so Ted's magic may have to wait. Interestingly, the Wizards currently employ a GM who has been averse to rebuilding during his career, so the one thing that I am sure about at this point is that Ernie Grunfeld should be very concerned about his job.

As much as I love Uncle Ted, I am not ready to call him the savior of DC basketball. He certainly has the traits of a great owner, but he will need even more luck than he had with the Caps to bring an NBA championship to DC.

(Images courtesy of cantstopthebleeding.com and blog.k1x.com)

Hallalujah Jeebus! Nylander Finally Exported, Critical Cap Space Imported

`God save thee, ancient Mariner !
From the fiends, that plague thee thus !--
Why look'st thou so ?'--With my cross-bow
I shot the ALBATROSS.

-Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

And just like that, Nylander and his cap-crippling $4.875 million salary are off to the KHL's Dynamo Minsk which sounds like a fancy fur coat (link in French, mon frere). McPhee hasn't confirmed it, but the major hurdles have been cleared: 1) Nylander agreed to waive his no-movement clause 2) so that he could be waived 3) which he was 4) which frees the Caps of his Albatross contract. Since it's not finalized I didn't want to jinx it, but I just can't takes it no more. Our long national nightmare is finally over!



The question is now: what to do with this cap space? We're like overwhelmed kid in a candy store right now who is allowed 5 pounds of anything. We need some time to comb the aisles to find just the right combo. Also, to wait to hear from daddy whether we in fact do get 5 free pounds.

More to come on this...

[h/t to Japers' Rink commenter Scott in Shaw for the gif]

Prettiest Goal You Will Ever See

Remember the name Oliver Wahlstrom. Kid's only 9 years old. And he can do this (please have buffering patience, because I promise it's worth it):



I'm speechless. Forget the poor little keeper who was equally stunned and confused by Wahlstrom's move - this shot would have gone in against any NHL goalie.

Memo to George McPhee: Draft this kid! Like, now.

Culture of the Caps: Summer Development Camp

Easter Day 2003. Call it the tipping point. The cherry blossoms were in bloom. The news was confusing me and making me hungry for uranium cake. The DOW was at 35 trillion gazillion. The Caps were squandering a 2-0 series lead to a lower seeded team. I kissed a girl, and I liked it.

The tipping point in question here was, of course, the bitter 3OT loss to the Lightning that changed the course of Washington Capitals history forever. That Easter Massacre proved that the old ways of team building were fatally flawed and that the defeatist attitude that pervaded the team and its fanbase would have to be wiped clean. From the ashes of this ill-fated day would emerge the phoenix of Alexander Ovechkin and the new Capitals: a shrewdly built roster whose core talent was drafted and developed by Caps scouts and coaches. Leonsis and McPhee realized on that day that real champions are made from within.

Now, after five years of replenishing the prospect ranks, streamlining the scouting system, stabilizing minor league affiliations, building a state-of-the-art complex in Ballston and standardizing a hockey system from the NHL down to the ECHL, the Caps have created a cohesive organization top to bottom.

The inner-workings of the revamped Washington Capitals are on display during this week's Summer Rookie Development Camp when the organization's prospects get a taste of professional experience and begin their assimilation into Caps Culture. Boudreau on the camp:

Our whole thought process is to show these young players...what it's like to be in the NHL. How many meetings you go to every day, the video you see, the work ethic on the ice. And I think [last year] we accomplished all of that. So the guy's leaving here saying "You know what, I know what I gotta do to become a better player" and that's what we want them to do. And we also want them to say "You know what? What an organization. Look at the place we're playing in, look at the people who are watching." Get them hungry.

And they have good reason to be hungry: 9 Hershey Bears (AHL) made their NHL debuts with the Caps in '08-'09; seven current Caps were Calder Cup champion Bears before they made the big squad. Hope and promise are not empty words in the halls of Kettler Capitals Iceplex. You work hard, you get rewarded. The meritocracy applies to the coaching staff too: Boudreau and new assistant coach Bob Woods were promoted after championship seasons with the Bears, and Bears assistant Mark French is the new Hershey head coach.

As the prospects learn to play together, they also learn to like each other. Mike Green in a recent interview explained what makes these Caps different: "We have such a good group of guys. You get on a lot of teams and guys don’t care that much. Here, it’s a lot different. The guys are my family.” The cameraderie amongst familiar faces at Summer Rookie Camps is already evident after Day 1 on the ice. And free agents actually want to come to DC for less money now. "Hockey players enjoying their time and each other in DC" is the new "Jagr hates everyone and nobody gives a shit."

Most importantly, however, Caps Culture is about where the Caps are going and not where they have been. The likes of former Caps greats hang from the Kettler rafters, but otherwise the past and its spotty history has been left behind. Previous Caps squads have been good but not quiiiite good enough; gritty but unskilled; skilled but half-hearted; playoff flops. The team's rocky history has developed a cynical fan base bitter towards departed stars who couldn't get it done.

But that's over now. The organization is stocking itself with winners and getting it done in the minor leagues. Ovechkin is the world class player and leader around which the Caps have built a steady organization replete with hockey talent, with able coaches to mold it, and the infrastructure and ownership to support it. It's a positive place where nobody remembers Esa Fucking Tikannen and the future continues to look brighter by the day. It's on display this week at Kettler.

Camp Roster (not including free agent camp invites):

5 Star Prospects to watch:
D John Carlson ('08, 1st round pick)
C Anton Gustafsson ('08, 1st round pick)
D Dmitri Orlov ('09, 2nd round pick)

4 Star Prospects to watch:
G Braden Holtby ('08, 4th round pick)
RW Dmitri Kugryshev ('08, 2nd round pick)
LW Stefan Della Rovere ('08, 7th round pick)
C Mathieu Perrault ('06, 6th round pick)
LW Francois Bouchard ('06, 2nd round pick)

3 Star Prospects to watch:
G Dan Dunn ('07, 6th round pick)
D Josh Godfrey ('07, 2nd round pick)
D Joe Finley ('05, 1st round pick)
D Eric Mestery ('08, 2nd round pick)
D Patrick Wey ('09, 4th round pick)
C Jake Hauswirth (free agent signee)

Notable Absences:
D Karl Alzner, LW Oskar Osala, G Michael Neuvirth, G Semyon Varlamov are all too damned good at this point.
C Marcus Johansson ('09, 1st round pick) could not get out of a prior commitment to his Swedish team.
D Keith Seabrook ('04, 2nd round pick) hasn't been to a Caps camp yet. What's the deal Keith-y-poo?
D Sasha Pokulok ('05, 1st round pick) is officially a bust and will never wear a Caps sweater.
C Red Rover (undrafted free agent) has gained 15 pounds of solid beer gut and has lost a step, though he's now a monster in the corners like never before.

Finally:
A likely scene at some point this week:

GMGM Playing Coy?

"With Washington creeping close to this season's $56.8 million salary cap as a result of Knuble's signing, McPhee said Knuble represented the team's biggest offseason move and that the Capitals were comfortable going into the season with Brooks Laich as the second-line center instead of trading for an established pivot."
--ESPN.com

What do you take from this? The exact opposite of what it means. GMGM plays his cards real close to the chest. An acquisition would not surprise me. In fact, based on this quote, I almost expect it.

The Caps Draft Is In Good Hands With the "Vice President of Atmosphere"

Now that, amigos, is what I call a mullet.

Caps GM George McPhee, a.k.a. the former "VP of Atmosphere" of Blue Moon Mexican Cafe restaurants in New York City, a.k.a. DC's longest tenured GM, a.k.a. the man with the plan, a.k.a. The Undertaker, will be directing his 12th draft as the Caps head bossman tonight, 7 PM, and all day Saturday. While his drafting success has been mixed, he has overseen a streamlining and revamping of the organization's scouting system that is finally reaping dividends.

I could drone on and on about McPhee's GM skills, but it's Friday and I don't want to make Vinny Cerrato cry before the weekend even starts. Instead, I'll regale you with tales of McPhee's manliness that earned him the Undertaker moniker. And maybe a tidbit about his GM skills at the end:

• After a pre-season game in Chicago in 1999 in which the Blackhawks dressed goons and played dirty, McPhee took on the entire coaching staff and roster of the 'Hawks BY HIMSELF. Money quote, after receiving a month-long suspension and $20k fine: "I will never regret standing up for the organization or for what I think is right for the league."
• An undersized McPhee beat the shit out of current Tampa Bay Head Coach and convicted bookie Rich Tocchet with a busted hand. Glen Hanlon - back-up goalie at the time - was, um, fired up about it.
• The Tocchet-McPhee rematch is probably a draw. But the dude proves his fearlessness.
• McPhee takes on noted pugilist Bob Nystrom, who has at least a foot on him.
• Finally, I'd be remiss if I didn't direct you towards this four part behind-the-scenes look at McPhee during the '06 entry draft (Backstrom, Varlamov, Neuvirth, Osala, Bouchard, Perrault came out of this one). Fascinating stuff. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4) The highlight, from Part 3: "I just want to make it look like we're doing stuff. Did I ever tell you you look marvelous?"

Well, I feel comfortable with this guy picking our prospects, don't you?

What to expect: The Caps pick 24th tonight, and WaPo beat writer Tarik El-Bashir thinks McPhee is looking long and hard at speedy RW scoring prospect Landon Ferraro, son of former NHLer Ray. Which would be consistent with his recent taste for drafting NHL lineage (Seabrook, Bourque, Bouchard, Perrault, Gustafsson). You're not getting an NHLer right away with the 24th pick, but Mike Green was snagged 29th, Jeff Schultz 27th, and studly blue-chipper John Carlson was last year's 27th pick. A trade or two to acquire a 2nd-line center to replace Fedorov is possible.

What not to expect: McPhee trading the pick for washed up veterans and handing them massive contracts, and then watching as future NHL stars Victor Hedman or John Tavares fall to the 24th slot anyways. Grunfeld and Cerrato have that shit covered.

Amateur Player Rankings and Scouting Reports
Mock Draft 1
Mock Draft 2
Mock Draft 3

NHL Amateur Draft Round 1. 7 PM, Versus Network.

So, umm...Fedorov is Done, Right? Right?!?!**

I keep waiting for the balls news to drop about Sergei Fedorov officially signing in Russia, and it keeps not happening. According to Fedorov’s agent Pat Brisson, negotiations are ongoing with the Caps. Is McPhee inching closer to Fedorov’s demands or vice versa? I don’t know and it makes me nervous, like I just dropped my kid off at day care and Gary Glitter introduced himself as the headmaster.

When the Caps wrapped up their season last month, Fedorov had this to say:

“I still have got some legs left and I'm still enjoying the game and I'm certainly enjoying this group of young and very talented players. I didn't think about retiring. By saying that, I would like to continue to play. With the young legs around me, it's really helpful…I haven't met with the coaches or GM yet, but I hope the feeling is mutual because I really enjoy this organization and it's an awesome city to play in, too.”

Oh Sergei how you flatter me so. Unfortunately, it’s 2009 and I’m not sure I can return the favor. Sorry homeslice.

If the rumors are true and KHL club Metallurg Magnitogorsk is offering Fedorov $3.8 million over two seasons, that’s about $2 million per season more than the Caps can and should offer (Feds made $4 million this season). As previously noted, the Caps are a few obvious summer re-signings away from having ~$52 million in salary towards the 2009-2010 salary cap. With the cap decreasing (TBA) from its current $56.7 million line, the Caps will barely be able to afford a taco let alone a washed up 40-year-old centerman. Unless we’re talkin’ Crosby’s mom’s taco, which can be had on the cheap.

And washed up is exactly what Fedorov is at this point. Let’s take a ride down the Fedorov Numbers Slide, soon debuting at a crappy Russian amusement park near you (click to enlarge):


More alarmingly, if it’s possible to have a more alarming red flag than declining games, goals, and points totals, Fedorov has become a penalty-committing machine, and killing penalties is the Caps' kryptonite. At this point in his career only Crosby’s mother hooks more than Fedorov, but with Crosby’s mom at least you get something out of it before feeling shame. He just doesn't have the legs to skate with guys any more, and it hurts to watch him fall to the ice untouched, which happened frequently this season.

I was ecstatic when McPhee acquired Fedorov last spring for a mid-level prospect, and he actually scored a game-winner in a Game 7, which never happens in DC let alone to the Caps. And the dude will always be a legend, and I'll always be a fan. But it's time to get real. Nylander’s corpse and a slowing Fedorov (the nominal second-line centers) produced 7% of the Caps' goals and 9% of their points while eating up 15% of the cap space in '08-'09. McPhee simply has to do better than that. Step one is parting ways with Feds.

**All of this is moot, of course, if Nylander the albatross agrees to waive his no-movement clause, cross his fingers and pass through waivers (a.k.a. the Atlanta Thrashers) and go on loan to the KHL, NHL salary cap hit free. Something tells me he (his wife) is cool stealing Leonsis’ fat checks, though. I hate you for making me want to ditch Fedorov you lutefisk eating bastard.

[Image via Wikipedia Commons]

Pronger Could be the D-Bag the Doctor Ordered for the Caps

So I'm sitting at a bar in Brooklyn on Saturday nursing a beer. Apparently someone that speaks hipster had spread the word about the Sierra Nevada draft special and a horde of these fuckers took over the bar. After four to six full sips of beer each, they started "dancing" like wacky, waving, inflatable arm flailing tube men and irritating me to no end. So naturally, my thoughts turned to violence. How sweet would it be, I wondered, if Chris Pronger walked into this bar, elbowed and stomped these clowns, hoisted the Stanley Cup over his head and paraded around the bar in triumph over their bloodied corpses? And then Caps GM George McPhee traded Tom Poti, Tomas Fleischmann, D prospects Josh Godfrey and Joe Finley and a 1st rounder for him?

But my fantasies rarely become reality, except for the time I ordered the Super Juicer. And the obstacles preventing this dream from coming to fruition are steep. For one, the Ducks' ridiculous asking price: three blue-chip prospects, one of whom is a studly two-way defenseman in the Pronger mold. That, however, was during a seller's market trade deadline and the asking price is sure to go down this offseason - especially if Scott "Brett Favre" Niedermayer decides to return to the Ducks for another year.

For another, that pesky salary cap. By my math, and after making a few logical assumptions about which RFAs will be retained (Fehr, Gordon, Schultz, Jurcina) and which UFAs will not, the Caps will have around $52 million in salary towards the cap with only one open forward spot available. The 34-year old Pronger has one year left at $6.25 million. The cap this year was $56.7 million and is expected to go down. Balls.

Details shmetails, I say! Pronger is 100% tenacious in his defensive end, which makes him a perfect fit on a Caps blue line that currently has 0% of that. His track record alone would make guys think twice about coming across the middle. Mike Green needs someone to ease the burden of being an offensive stud AND a physical presence, which he tried and failed to be these playoffs. Erskine and Jurcina...Scott Stevens and Rod Langway they are not. Plus I think Pronger would like it here: we have plenty of hot sports reporters available for him to impregnate.

Pronger bait. [Photo via Wikipedia]

More importantly, however, Pronger will bring the edge to the backline that Ovie takes care of up front, and the young guys like Alzner - who curiously prides himself on not hitting - could stand to learn a thing or two about what it takes: namely a dose of d-baggery when appropriate.

As I finished my beer one particularly pissy, life-hating hipster was at the bar whining about his $3 Sierra Nevada being too hoppy; about Modest Mouse becoming too "commercial;" and other such bullshit things. It occurred to me that this was the Michael Nyander of the bar: he talked in circles like Nylander skates them and sucks the life out of the room like Nylander sucks it out of the Caps' offense. And similarly, is the final road block to fun/improvement. The 36-year-old Swede is $5 million in cap deadweight for the next two years and it'd be a shame if that kept the Caps from acquiring a guy like Pronger. Though not nearly as shameful as the way in which the corporations have like totally screwed us over again, man. Dumbass hipster.

[Pronger image via CBC Sports]