What Fat Albert Felt Like Today

The most hated athlete in DC (stop smiling Agent Zero) has failed at everything this offseason (other than picking up a fat $21 million bonus check). First, he tried to get traded and failed, then lost the respect of his teammates, and now, in his first day in training camp, failed his conditioning test. The details are murky, but it sounds like Shanahan was out to get him a little bit. According to Jason Reid, not-as-Fat Albert showed off his offseason weight loss and "killed it" in the first portion, but then look a bathroom break and then Shanahan made him do 1 more sprint, and Fat Albert failed. By bathroom break, I am pretty sure that means Fat Albert ran straight to the throne and puked.

Most reports say he had to run 3-300 yard sprints, but Reid's report refers to 3 'phases' and states that Fat Albert left for the bathroom midway through the 2nd phase, which makes the test sound like more than just 3 identical sprints. Does this mean Fat Albert ran 1 good '300', then was doing well on the 2nd but had to stop and puke, so Shanahan made him run a 3rd? If so, Shanahan sounds like a generous man offering him the opportunity for a 3rd sprint. The other reports seem to indicate that Fat Albert ran 2 great '300s', then immediately puked, and Shanahan somehow made up a ridiculous reason after the fact to make Fat Albert run a 3rd that was not part of the original test. So many questions! Only a few guys on the field know what really went down, but I did dig find this exclusive footage of Fat Albert's experience:

The bright side, in addition to the existence of that video, is that Fat Albert is in better shape than last year, and will soon pass the test and be back practicing as usual. Who knows when he will get back into the starting defense, but baby steps everyone......