Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Ovechkin vs. Clownie

With a little under 10 minutes left in the Caps' 7-4 loss to the Lightning, and the score just that, Steve Downie - who will henceforth be referred to as Clownie, for this is his only role on the ice - snapped Alex Ovechkin's stick. Or so our beloved captain thought. Either way, the zebras kept their whistles in their pockets. Then...well, read the 100% accurate account below to find out what followed, and to understand why I have fallen in love with this team. 


Ovie: You snap stick. I no like.

[Ovechkin skates toward bench to get new stick.]

Ovie: I get new stick. Where is puck?

[Ovechkin locates the puck in the right corner and skates toward it at full speed.]

Ovie: I come for puck. I come for your head!

[Ovechkin slams into Clownie at full speed.]

Clownie: Dear Lord! Where am I? Did I just get hit by a freight train? Should I just wail away at anyone in close proximity like the sucker-punching, marginally skilled loser that I am and see what happens?! You betcha!

[Clownie uppercuts Ovechkin and even drops his gloves. Ovechkin is enraged and fights back.]

Ovie: Who strike me? I hit back! I eat you for food! Roar like lion! Russian machine never break!

[Unfortunate referee steps in front of Ovechkin, akin to a zookeeper attempting to restrain a furious beast.]

Ovie: I see you soon.

Clownie: Thank you, refs, from the bottom of my heart, for saving my life.

[Clownie and Ovechkin are sent to the penalty box for matching roughing minors.]

Clownie: Well, I guess the only way to save face is to skate out of the box like a damn fool and instigate a fight with an infinitely more skilled player who has never been in an NHL fight before. Can't lose that one, right? Man, I'm so effing sweet!

[Ovechkin and Clownie skate out of the box.]

Clownie: You wanna go? Huh? Huh? Huh?!

[Clownie hooks Ovechkin and jabs his stick into his gut.]

Ovie: I give you last chance to go away. Shoo, before I crush you face.

[Clownie does not stop.]

Ovie: Okay, you no listen, time for me to crush you face.

[Ovechkin and Clownie drop gloves. Ovechkin takes off his helmet like a man. Clownie does the same, but like a girl.]

Ovie: Come, little boy. Ha, look at little guy try be tough!

[Out of nowhere, Matt Bradley races onto the scene.]

Bradley: You kidding me, punk? I will end you! You hear me, I will end you! Get the hell away from my boy, bitch!

[Bradley pummels Clownie. Ovie looks on - confused, but proud.]

Ovie: Lucky little boy, I no crush you now, my friend crush you. I squash you later time. Like bug.

[Bradley and Ovechkin sit in the penalty box briefly, before Bradley is given a game misconduct for being the third man in an altercation.]

Ovie: Thank you, friend. You are good teammate.

Bradley: No sweat, bro. You'd do the same for me.


Yea, so that last part's a little cheesy. And there's certainly no immediate reason to celebrate after tonight - we did just lose 7-4 to the Lightning.

But great teams always have that one moment in a long season in which it is positively clear that what they're striving for is far more important than a single game. A turning point, if you will.

Sure, we got our butts handed to us tonight. But in stepping up for each other, for themselves, for the red, white, and blue, the Caps showed just how strong of a bond they share as teammates.

That camaraderie will be essential to any long playoff run. It's the stuff of Stanley Cup Champions.

UPDATE: A better version of this exact story can be found here.

[Images via ESPN]


  1. ummm awful. try something more like this...
    downie:you want to fight?
    overratedchkin:sure i'll lure you into this fight and then let my gang of non-wussies come and save me
    downie(upon getting jumped by bradley):who is this rat tugging on my leg, hey alex the overrate get over here and fight like a man
    overratedchkin:me no fight, me too scared, me let bradley do it

  2. Wow, excellent use of less than half a brain. I didn't know people like you were allowed on the internet, or even had the mental capacity to fuse two antonyms (overrated and Ovechkin) into one absolute masterpiece of a word.

    Bravo, troll.

  3. Awesome! You have a new reader of your blog!


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