Fred Davis: A Testicle's Chance in Hipster Pants

There are few immutable truths in this world, but one that I subscribe to is that a man's junk needs room to breathe at all times. Hipsters, however, are always trying to defy convention, because man that's cool. Which is why sack hugging denim is the new dark horn-rimmed glasses in hipster world, because nothing says "I disagree with societal convention!" like crushing your own testicles. Poor little guys just don't have a chance.

Which is about where Fred Davis stands as a pass-catcher on the Redskins right now: without a chance. He's basically the third tight end after Chris Cooley and Todd Yoder, but without the blocking-first skill set normally found at such depth on an NFL roster.

If, however, Davis somehow surpasses Yoder and lands the #2 TE role behind Pro Bowler Cooley, he might see the field enough to snag, oh, say, 9.8 catches for 84.8 yards and 1 TD this season. That's the average statline for a back-up TE behind a Pro Bowler for the past 7 seasons (and pretty much Yoder's production each of the past 2).

Take a look at this chart I made which took forever. It details the statlines of back-ups to Pro Bowl TEs during that Pro Bowl TE's season, dating back to 2002 (click to enlarge):

So, assuming Cooley performs at a Pro Bowl level again in 2009, Fred Davis is likely to produce dick as a pass catcher. Basically the only productive pass catcher on the list is Martellus Bennett, the Cowboys rookie last season who was, of course, on the board when Cerrato took Davis in Round 2 last year.

The point here is that #2 tight ends in the NFL are primarily blockers. Fred Davis isn't exactly known for that, and Yoder has the role locked up. Davis is basically a homeless man's Cooley in terms of his skill set, and as long as Cooley remains healthy Davis will never even have a chance to realize his potential. And whether or not he does makes no difference to the Redskins' success: they already have the real Chris Cooley.

Fred Davis with fellow useless tight end Jason Goode. Image via USA Today.

So what's the upside of keeping the kid on the roster at all? To stash him in case Cooley goes down (he apparently shed 20 pounds this offseason)? To become the red zone threat we desperately need opposite Cooley? To train him to punt? For bargain-bin jersey options in this rough economy? At this point all he does is give the Redskins two players named Fred, which is a classic and manly American name that is on the decline and what I call my expanding beer gut. So there's that.

I want to share the optimism of some fans who expect one (or all) of Malcolm Kelly, Devin Thomas and Fred Davis to have a breakout season. Maybe there's hope for the former two but I don't see any for the latter. There's just no precedent for 2 TE offenses where both are productive pass-catchers. Poor Fred Davis is a baggy jeans nut trapped in a tight jeans world.

[Image of hipsters voluntarily stunting their sperm counts via The Eternal Headache]

Pronger Could be the D-Bag the Doctor Ordered for the Caps

So I'm sitting at a bar in Brooklyn on Saturday nursing a beer. Apparently someone that speaks hipster had spread the word about the Sierra Nevada draft special and a horde of these fuckers took over the bar. After four to six full sips of beer each, they started "dancing" like wacky, waving, inflatable arm flailing tube men and irritating me to no end. So naturally, my thoughts turned to violence. How sweet would it be, I wondered, if Chris Pronger walked into this bar, elbowed and stomped these clowns, hoisted the Stanley Cup over his head and paraded around the bar in triumph over their bloodied corpses? And then Caps GM George McPhee traded Tom Poti, Tomas Fleischmann, D prospects Josh Godfrey and Joe Finley and a 1st rounder for him?

But my fantasies rarely become reality, except for the time I ordered the Super Juicer. And the obstacles preventing this dream from coming to fruition are steep. For one, the Ducks' ridiculous asking price: three blue-chip prospects, one of whom is a studly two-way defenseman in the Pronger mold. That, however, was during a seller's market trade deadline and the asking price is sure to go down this offseason - especially if Scott "Brett Favre" Niedermayer decides to return to the Ducks for another year.

For another, that pesky salary cap. By my math, and after making a few logical assumptions about which RFAs will be retained (Fehr, Gordon, Schultz, Jurcina) and which UFAs will not, the Caps will have around $52 million in salary towards the cap with only one open forward spot available. The 34-year old Pronger has one year left at $6.25 million. The cap this year was $56.7 million and is expected to go down. Balls.

Details shmetails, I say! Pronger is 100% tenacious in his defensive end, which makes him a perfect fit on a Caps blue line that currently has 0% of that. His track record alone would make guys think twice about coming across the middle. Mike Green needs someone to ease the burden of being an offensive stud AND a physical presence, which he tried and failed to be these playoffs. Erskine and Jurcina...Scott Stevens and Rod Langway they are not. Plus I think Pronger would like it here: we have plenty of hot sports reporters available for him to impregnate.

Pronger bait. [Photo via Wikipedia]

More importantly, however, Pronger will bring the edge to the backline that Ovie takes care of up front, and the young guys like Alzner - who curiously prides himself on not hitting - could stand to learn a thing or two about what it takes: namely a dose of d-baggery when appropriate.

As I finished my beer one particularly pissy, life-hating hipster was at the bar whining about his $3 Sierra Nevada being too hoppy; about Modest Mouse becoming too "commercial;" and other such bullshit things. It occurred to me that this was the Michael Nyander of the bar: he talked in circles like Nylander skates them and sucks the life out of the room like Nylander sucks it out of the Caps' offense. And similarly, is the final road block to fun/improvement. The 36-year-old Swede is $5 million in cap deadweight for the next two years and it'd be a shame if that kept the Caps from acquiring a guy like Pronger. Though not nearly as shameful as the way in which the corporations have like totally screwed us over again, man. Dumbass hipster.

[Pronger image via CBC Sports]