Monday, June 14, 2010

Satire Is Fun, Featuring Stephen Strasburg

For those of you who have read this blog since its inception over a year ago, you can probably tell I'm not a religious person. After all, I'm the guy who refers to Matt Wieters as Baseball Jesus, Jeffrey Maier as the antichrist, and Stephen Strasburg as Baseball Jesus II. Periodically, I unintentionally misspell Jesus with Jebus, and also, until two weeks ago, I thought "bible" was a verb that meant to "to drink".

So, for a laid back, non-religious, clearly-going-to-hell guy like me, the following satire from SB Nation Arizona's Justin Burning is hilarious:

After two pretty decent starting performances by Washington Nationals rookie Stephen Strasburg, Christian and Jewish leaders have come together in admitting that their doctrines have been inaccurate to this point.

"As it turns out, Strasburg is actually the messiah," said Pope Benedict XVI. "It's a simple mistake, really. We were looking for the wrong miracles. We all expected walking on water, healing the sick and other similar sorts of shenanigans. But we should have been tipped off by the 100 mph fastball."

The Pope paused briefly to laugh to himself and shake his head before continuing, "Have you seen that thing? It's smokin'. Struck those fools out looking."

Religious folks around the world have begun congregating en mass to determine how Strasburg's ascension to demigod will affect their lives going forward.

Devout Christian Bob Jones said, "Jesus Christ was a fine fellow, but 14 strikeouts? Shit's insane."

Already, Strasburg's followers have begun theorizing about the extent of his abilities.

"I heard his change-up can cleanse the soul of all sin," said Rosa Cortez, attendee of a local Washington D.C.-area Catholic church. "They're also saying he's got a curve ball that heals all physical disease."

Perhaps Strasburg's impact since June 8th 2010 is best summarized by Rabbi Jacob Horowitz, "We are all better people for having witnessed Strasburg's killer pitching arsenal. It's unreal. Total Major League stuff. Christ. Oops, I mean ... Strasburg."

Be sure to click the full link for the graphic.

Also, I'm pretty sure we can put phrases like "Strasburg's change-up cleanses the soul of all sin" and "His curveball heals all physical disease" up there on the hilarity scale with Wieters Facts.

1 comment:

  1. Strasburg saves has a nice ring to it....although he really strikes people out and wins, saving is for lesser pitchers.


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