Cleveland Jocks Lebron

I am a huuuge fan of the original Nike one, but here is a redux courtesy of the scorned sports wasteland:

Had some trouble getting the video to fit our fancy formatting, but it never gets old seeing someone else hate LBJ after us Wizards fans were first on the bandwagon.

Satire Is Fun, Featuring Stephen Strasburg

For those of you who have read this blog since its inception over a year ago, you can probably tell I'm not a religious person. After all, I'm the guy who refers to Matt Wieters as Baseball Jesus, Jeffrey Maier as the antichrist, and Stephen Strasburg as Baseball Jesus II. Periodically, I unintentionally misspell Jesus with Jebus, and also, until two weeks ago, I thought "bible" was a verb that meant to "to drink".

So, for a laid back, non-religious, clearly-going-to-hell guy like me, the following satire from SB Nation Arizona's Justin Burning is hilarious:

After two pretty decent starting performances by Washington Nationals rookie Stephen Strasburg, Christian and Jewish leaders have come together in admitting that their doctrines have been inaccurate to this point.

"As it turns out, Strasburg is actually the messiah," said Pope Benedict XVI. "It's a simple mistake, really. We were looking for the wrong miracles. We all expected walking on water, healing the sick and other similar sorts of shenanigans. But we should have been tipped off by the 100 mph fastball."

The Pope paused briefly to laugh to himself and shake his head before continuing, "Have you seen that thing? It's smokin'. Struck those fools out looking."

Religious folks around the world have begun congregating en mass to determine how Strasburg's ascension to demigod will affect their lives going forward.

Devout Christian Bob Jones said, "Jesus Christ was a fine fellow, but 14 strikeouts? Shit's insane."

Already, Strasburg's followers have begun theorizing about the extent of his abilities.

"I heard his change-up can cleanse the soul of all sin," said Rosa Cortez, attendee of a local Washington D.C.-area Catholic church. "They're also saying he's got a curve ball that heals all physical disease."

Perhaps Strasburg's impact since June 8^th 2010 is best summarized by Rabbi Jacob Horowitz, "We are all better people for having witnessed Strasburg's killer pitching arsenal. It's unreal. Total Major League stuff. Christ. Oops, I mean ... Strasburg."

Be sure to click the full link for the graphic.

Also, I'm pretty sure we can put phrases like "Strasburg's change-up cleanses the soul of all sin" and "His curveball heals all physical disease" up there on the hilarity scale with Wieters Facts.

Week 9 Picks: The Arranged Marriage From Hell

Sweet relaxation right? Nothing like a week of avoiding that weekly (or daily) pain of the Redskins. Until Dan Snyder's dumb 'apology', then Riggins, then Greg Blatche.....I don't think the Skins understand, this is a relationship where I am in the for the long haul, but I just want a little bit of space right now, kind of like a relationship where you want to have a Vegas weekend with the guys. The only problem is that this is an arranged marriage! I was born and raised in DC, and will always support the Skins. I don't care who runs the team, if Bin Laden was GM I'd probably be singing the praises of his stealth tactics and the fresh perspective he brings.

Which brings me to my next point. I didn't have a big problem with Snyder's comments, but have been going nuts over Greg Blache's Snyder defense, specifically this tidbit, "He will spend his money, he will spend his time, he wants to win, he is here for the people, for the fans, for the Washington Redskins." Obviously Snyder wants to win, but he is here for the people of DC and the fans?!? Let's see, this douchebag was the first owner in the league to charge fans to attend practice, practice?!? Ticket prices are absurdly high, he sued a broke season ticket holder, and allows ticket scalping to fly under the radar so he can smudge ticket sales more easily, all the while pushing all blame for team performance onto everyone but him and his personal fluffer, Vinny Cerrato. Snyder is here for winning, money, and celebrity, but not for the fans and everyone knows this. When Zorn goes down, Blache has a shot at the job, and this idiotic statement only furthers my point from a couple weeks ago that he is not at all qualified to be our head coach.

On to the picks, FO's 'locks of the week' are now 2-3 with only 1 'lock' this week, their 'reasonable' picks are 13-17, and their 'stay away' picks are 40-40. You should also note that FO has started including the % chance of a team winning straight-up, which I have included throughout this article.

The standings (with pushes excluded):
Sports Guy: 4-9 last week, 68-47 overall (59.1%)
DCLS: 5-8 last week, 58-57 overall (50.4%)
Random monkey throwing shit at a dartboard: 57.5-57.5 overall (50.0%)
Football Outsiders: 7-6 last week, 55-60 overall (47.8%)

As usual, the FO picks are listed in order of confidence, and I have bolded a team wherever I differ (home teams in CAPS).

1) Green Bay -10 over TAMPA BAY - No way the Pack loses here, and FO has this as their only 'lock' of the week. I also think this is the best pick of the week.

2) NEW ENGLAND -10.5 over Miami - FO's #1 team is the Pats, which is only a minor surprise given their recent play. So despite the Wildcat giving the Pats fits, I can give up the 10 points....I mean, Vontae Davis is going to be covering Randy Moss?

3) DENVER +3 over Pittsburgh - I think Denver is the better team, at home, with points, and Big Ben has a fat face that makes him look unathletic.

4) SEATTLE -10 over Detroit - I have said it before, but the Lions have quietly(?) become the worst team in the league again. Not a fan of giving 10 with the Seahawks, but I can't pick the Lions against anyone right now.

5) Houston +9 over INDIANAPOLIS - Colts are 'only' listed with a 73% chance of winning, and this line is a bit of an over-correction, but I'll roll with the hot hand.

6) Arizona +3 over CHICAGO - FO has Arizona with a 65% chance straight-up, and I agree that they are the better team. Only thing that could concern me here is the weather and Jay Cutler being the anti-christ to Kurt Warner's jesus love.

7) Kansas City +7 over JACKSONVILLE - The Jags are FO's #6 overall pick straight-up, but this line is very high for a team that is not very good. The Jags have burned me like a Vegas hooker, but I'll stick with FO here in what will be this week's toilet bowl.

8) Tennessee +4 over SAN FRANCISCO - No faith in VY here. SF has an 82% chance of winning by FO's numbers, and VY would 100% have committed suicide if badass Mike Singletary was his coach.

9) NEW ORLEANS -13 over Carolina - No need to watch the game, I've got the recap here, Saints score early and often, forcing Jake Delhomme to throw early and often, leading to numerous sacks and interceptions. On the bright side, it is pretty exciting every time Delhomme drops back, and you can't say that about too many people right?

10) PHILADELPHIA -3 over Dallas - Iggles are legit, and still not sold on the Cowgirls. Does Dallas' inconsistency mean the Skins might have a chance against them? I think I just got a semi...

11) San Diego +4.5 over NEW YORK GIANTS - In NY, and the Giants need this game badly. They are only the #11 straight-up pick though, so FO is not seeing a big difference between these two teams. How awesome would it be if Phil Rivers picked a fight with Eli Manning? Would Eli just puke out of fear?

12) Baltimore -3 over CINCINNATI - FO still thinks the Bungles are overachieving, and I honestly have no idea what to make of them. Meanwhile, the Ravens are their #5 overall team, so I'll give the 3, but expect a close game.

13) Washington +10 over ATLANTA - So did anyone else catch Atlanta on Monday night? Yeah, they're a real football team, and unless we've adopted this play, we are in deep doo-doo. FO gives us a 7% chance of winning this game.........

After a week of being all over the news and ruining my Redskin vacation, maybe being back to indifference is better for Skins fans. Either way, we have little hope this Sunday, but apparently are a decent bet by FO's metrics. So put your money on the Skins, because betting on burgundy is about the only way to get excited about us these days.

(Image courtesy of washingtonpost.com)

Worst Oriole Jerseys Ever

Welcome to the 2nd part in this painful series of worst jerseys for all of our beloved professional DC-area teams. This Oriole list was surprisingly more difficult than the Redskin one; we had far more worthy candidates for our bottom-10 thanks to almost 25 years of misery. I kind of felt like I was on the therapist's couch here, unearthing repressed memories. I learned a lot about myself through this journey.

Again, the criteria for our list is a jersey that would make fellow fans either:

• Angry
• Disgusted
• Think the guy wearing the jersey is an idiot
  

As before, please note that any jerseys that are funny bad are not included. Our bottom 10 is listed in reverse order (least terrible to most terrible):

10) Armando Benitez #49 - The exact opposite of clutch. He came in during critical playoff games and gave up homers to pipsqueaks like Marquis Grissom and Tony Hernandez. He also gave up the Jeffrey Maier "homer" and cared more about his pitch speed than, you know, getting batters out. He'd be higher on the list if not for his impressive beat-down of some punk-ass Yankees fools in May 1998. I really hated this guy.

9) Ben McDonald #19 - He was supposed to be the next Nolan Ryan. Instead, he was the first Mark Prior. Amnesia is the only excuse for owning this jersey.

8) David Segui #23 - Beefed up on ol' Vitamin S then stole a huge contract at the end of his career from the O's. I used to call him "Popcorn Man" when I was a kid because he looked like a classmate of mine who always smelled like popcorn. That's irrelevant information, but the point is: screw that smelly kid.

7) Adam Loewen #29 - A monumental pitching bust. The lanky canuck finally gave up pitching and in a gentlemen's agreement with the O's, opted out of his Major League contract to sign a minor league one and learn to hit. After milking O's instructional league coaches for hitting tips, he reneged on his word and fled to the Blue Jays. So in sum, he robbed the O's of $4 million, never panned out, then stabbed them in the back. Good times.

6) Curt Schilling #43 - Mike Mussina, Jimmy Key, Scott Erickson, David Wells, and Schilling rounded out the rotation of the 1997 World Series Champion Baltimore Orioles, who went wire-to-wire first place before crushing the Marlins in 4 games in the Series. What a year! Except it didn't happen, because O's brass thought it prudent to mortgage the future (Steve Finley and Pete Harnisch were also shipped away) in 1990 for 3 abysmal seasons from...

5) Glenn Davis #37 - The "worst Oriole ever", this shmuck was supposed to be the power bat to get the Birds over the hump, and instead all he did was hump the trainer's table in between his infrequent and feeble at-bats. 24 HRs in 3 years before finally retiring...pretty sure Jeff Reboulet accomplished that in the late-'90s.

4) Sammy Sosa #21 - Buying this jersey was like voting for Bush in '04: if you didn't see the epic failure coming, you were a moron. The steroids were clearly wearing off at the end of his Cubs tenure, and he became another in a long line of over-the-hill veterans Angelos tried to plug in to milk a few more jersey sales wins from a broken roster. A line that started with:

3) Albert Belle #88 - Ended up as the worst contract in franchise history and one of the worst in MLB history. In addition to being an asshole, he barely played and succeeded in using a ton of our salary space for his giant ego/contract when a hip injury ended his career.

2) Tony Tarasco #1 - This is nothing against Tony, but this jersey can only bring the most painful memory in Oriole history, of that little anti-christ Jeffrey Maier stealing the ball over the wall to gift Jeter a HR and all but end the Orioles best chance at a championship since 1983.

1) Derek Jeter #2 - What is this all about? FTW:

Worst Orioles Jersey Ever. Please revoke this man's fan card. via Mr. Irrelevant.

***

Dishonorable Mention:

Larry Bigbie #3 - Did anyone get on this bandwagon? I hope not and this serves as a reminder of the years when a mediocore prospect was the best we had on an already bad team. Also: Mitchell Report.

Jay Gibbons #31 - Would have made the bottom-10, but I just feel bad for the guy now.

Miguel Tejada #10 - Yeah, he did steroids and lied about his age, but gave us some great service.

Sir Sidney Ponson #43 - The same as Tejada, but a more unlikeable guy. He performed at or above expectations while he was here and then proceeded to pain the Yankees as a member of their team, which barely kept him out of the bottom-10.

Brady Anderson #9 - Steroids and the self-promotion that led to gay rumors. I would liken the Brady Anderson era to the dutch rudder, it was fun (and not gay), but there was something very wrong about it.

Rodrigo Lopez #13 - Another great example of false hope. After bursting onto the scene in 2002 with 15 wins and finishing 2nd in the ROY voting to Eric Hinske (probably not a good sign in retrospect), saw his peripherals and performance decline and had a generally mediocore Oriole career. And now, he has a world series ring.....for Philly. Not to be confused with a Super Bowl ring.

Kris Benson #34 - When a rebuilding team trades a young starter (John Maine) for a mediocre, injury-prone 30-year-old, he had better have more than a smokin' hot wife. Unfortunately, that's about all Kris brought to the table.

Jeffrey Hammonds #11 - A fine career, but nothing close to the hope he instilled in Oriole fans as our savior.

***

So what do you think? Anyone we missed or who doesn't belong? Will the boiling water I'm about to pour down my throat hurt more than this list?

Nationals Fans Direct Clueless Red Sox Fans to Gay Bars

A level of toolishness and arrogance once found only amongst Yankees fans has abruptly crept its way into Red Sawx Nation, and my hatred level for the latter has risen accordingly. So I found this story amusing. Per NBC Washington:

In the best use of a Nats message board we've ever seen, a Red Sox fan looking for good sports bars around Nationals Park to check out during a visit to D.C. for the Sox-Nats series this week was directed to a gay bar.

Apparently the dope actually took the tip and showed up, where he "pounded his drink" and possibly more than that before leaving nervously.

Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being gay, and lots of penguins and Penguins are gay, and they're funny little things the way they waddle and such. Don't know where this is going so I'm gonna stop right here.

Just want to point out that 1.) there are no black Red Sawx fans because Bostonians are racist bastards, 2.) Red Sawx fans are self-important ass-wads, 3.) drunken Red Sawx fans in the Fenway bleachers are hilarious and 4.) rooting against the Sawx is now just as appropriate as rooting against the Yankees once was.

The Sawx used to be the "people's team" that baseball fans rallied behind to take down the evil Yankees empire. Now, they are the evil empire. Watching Sawx Nation morph over the past five years was a bit like watching Annakin Skywalker become corrupted by his own power - at first you think there's hope, then WHAM! he slices up a gaggle of adorable toddlers. Point of no return, that.

Things will only get worse as these people continue to spread the globe like locusts, so let us revel in their awkward encounters at gay bars while we can. Besides, immature jabs are how I cope with my envy and my therapist says coping is healthy. Boston fans like it in the pooper. Go Nats!

[Image via The Boston Blogger]

[H/T to reader Goldie for the tip.]

NHL Fellates Pens: PIT 4, DET 2

Let's just get this out of the way: I hate the Penguins.

You know how everyone keeps a mental list of their most hated rivals? The Penguins are right at the top of mine, followed by the Antichrist, Eagles, Cowboys, Flyers, and Duke hoops.

Why do I hate the Pens so much? Other than the fact that the Caps can't beat 'em in the playoffs, and their captain is by a wide margin the biggest crybaby in the NHL who would be better served gluing pubes to his face than broadcasting his pathetic attempt to grow facial hair, and their fans are obnoxious (Pittsburgh fans generally are)? Well, here's a recap of recent events:

-Malkin bumps chelios in warm-ups. TWICE. In the NHL Rulebook, that's an automatic fine and/or suspension, except if you're a Penguin.

-Malkin instigates a fight in the waning moments of a decided Game 2 by cracking Zetterberg's skull with his stick. TWICE. Clearly message sending, clearly instigating, clearly malicious, and once again auto-suspension worthy. Except if you're a Penguin.

-Pens have a 6-man tea party on the ice for a solid twenty seconds during their win in Game 3. The announcers saw it. I saw it. The blind man in the apartment next door saw it through the walls. That's a penalty, except if you're a Penguin.

Lest we come across as whiny losers, consider all this in comparison to Brashear's 6-game suspension. Consider that Puck Daddy agrees with us. That The Hockey News agrees. That in allowing Malkin to play and rack up 3 assists (while Crosby's been shut down with 1 A total this series), the NHL has what it wants: a 2-1 series instead of a 3-0 Wings lead. Conspiracy! Just kidding. Sort of.

[Image via Flying Water Bottle]

Revelation: Decent Pitching Correlated With Success!

Thursday's 5-1 victory over Detroit on Wieters Eve not only marked ZAUN's last game as an everyday starter, for which we at DCLS shed a bittersweet tear, it completed the Orioles' most successful week-long stretch of the season.

Over the past week the Orioles have gone 6-1, outscoring their opponents 39-25 in the process. This after being outscored 49-26 in the prior seven games (2-5). Orioles' hitters certainly stepped it up these last seven games. However, the pitching staff was able to cut their ERA nearly in half, with two rookies making their Major League debuts no less.

The Orioles are only four games under .500 for the first time since April 29, and while this wouldn't be a notable feat for any competitive franchise that hasn't undergone 11 years of miserable ball-pinching suckdom since the Antichrist, for us it is. So we note it.

The O's finished 13th out of 14 teams in the AL in team ERA in 2006, 2007, and 2008. Can you guess where they stand so far this year?

But if they can get pitching like they did this past week consistently from both their starters and bullpen, which was almost inconceivable a few weeks ago, they might be able to hover around .500 all year. I know - I'm so greedy.

Baby steps!